


The Day The Goddess Completely Abandoned Us (And Everything Fell To Shit)

by PrincessLopunny



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: (again), Crack Fic, about as many anachronisms as your average educational kids cartoon, everyone is ooc, way too much swearing, which is a lot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:40:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23396398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessLopunny/pseuds/PrincessLopunny
Summary: It was a lovely day in Garreg Mach Monastery and Byleth was a horrible professor.So, basically, it's another shitty crackfic in the style of From The Personal Experiences Of Ryuto Freakin' Gachapoid (which, in turn, was inspired by other weird crackfics I've read like The Hot Topic Krew). It's full of swearing, shitty attempts at humour, references to anime/manga/vidya/whatever else I feel like referencing... basically everything you'd expect to see in a fanfic written by a person who is best summed up as a little girl with too much time on her hands and not enough things to do with that time.Sit back and enjoy the shitshow.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	The Day The Goddess Completely Abandoned Us (And Everything Fell To Shit)

**Author's Note:**

> Well, shit. The Isabelle thing was what can only be called a written stillbirth, my brain is plagued with ideas for the Ryuto thing every night before I go to sleep and I'm stuck inside for the next few weeks. Time to take a shit on Three Houses now I guess

I have no idea where exactly to start this, but I heard the beginning is the best place to start. So here we are.

It was a lovely day in Garreg Mach Monastery and Byleth was a horrible professor. Last week alone he had set fire to most of his classroom, purposefully given Leonie way lower grades than she should've gotten just so he could deter her from fucking his dad and almost murdered Hilda by trying to rip her hair off because he was absolutely fucking CERTAIN she was wearing a wig. (She's not.) I mean, having a teacher who tries to fuck up his students' life is better than nobody getting an education, right?

Anyways, this shitfest of a fanfic starts with him waking up, as all fanfics should. Naturally, the first thing he does is chuck his completely anachronistic alarm clock at his completely anachronistic anime poster-covered wall. " _Fuck,_ I wish I could sleep in longer," he groaned. "This job is TIRING. I want out." Then he violently rolled out of bed because, let's face it, don't we all wanna do that when we're still tired when we wake up?

The first feral trash bastard he had to greet that day was ugly haircut boy Lorenz. _God,_ I hate that bastard. Like, I still have to use him in the actual game because he has levels now and anyone with levels has to be used (it's a Law™) but _GOD_ he's stinky. "Hey," Byleth said to him, in the most deadpan way possible so it was obvious that he didn't give two fucking shits about him.

"Oh, hello there, Master!~ Come to "train" me, haven't you?~~ ;)))))))))))"

"I will actually genuinely beat you to death with a sword if you say anything else along those lines. Good-fucking-BYE, bastard." And that was the end of what could've been a conversation. But, since Lorenz is a fucking _BOTTOM,_ he doesn't get the privileges of getting to talk to his teacher.

I mean, next thing Byleth knew, he was watching Raphael and Ignatz (the latter of which was wearing absolutely nothing except a very skimpy meido costume) passionately making out in the broom closet so, on second thought, maybe talking to Lorenz wasn't as bad an idea as he initially thought.

"hey BASTARDS stop kissing I can see that shit," he hissed at them. They didn't listen because I've noticed that horny people seem to be incapable of thought outside of horny online so that must be the case offline too, right?

Next person he greeted was best girl Lysithea. She's the only member of the Golden Deer house I trust because she's basically still a child and is therefore probably the most innocent of the hell bastards that make up that house. "Hello, Lysithea." he said, in a much less deadpan tone than he used when he greeted Lorenz because he actually cares about her.

"Hi, Teacher! How are you today? (´• ω •`)"

"Suffering"

"Why? (╥﹏╥)"

"I'm always suffering, I don't need to answer that. Goodbye." And then he walked away, slightly ashamed that he fucked up talking to his favourite student. He got over it almost immediately though. There's no time for feelings other than "existential crisis" in Byleth's head.

Next up on the Divine Hitlist was Hilda. She, to put it lightly, is a BASIC, SPOILED HOE. She spends all her time chatting to her friends (especially Marianne) on her super out-of-place-for-the-time-period-this-game-is-set-in phone, speaks like the unholy lovechild of two extremely stereotypical valley girls, has a walk-in closet bigger than most people's entire bedrooms (and it's full of ridiculously overpriced designer clothes too) and is such an airhead she probably couldn't tell you the name of the school she was in without having to Google it first. Byleth didn't even ATTEMPT to initiate conversation with this fuckwad of a girl because he knew she'd come running to him at a similar speed to most shitty Deviantart Sonic OCs from the mid-to-late-2000s as soon as he was in her field of view.

And so she did. "Hey! Uh... what was your name again?" she asked him.

"It's Byleth. I tell you this every day. HOW have you forgotten this already?"

"Oh! I'm just, like, so quirky and random that I forget things like that, y'know?"

"...I know, I guess. Why did you come up to me like that?"

"OH! I almost forgot! Silly me. Anyways, me and Marianne are gonna, like, go and hang out at the mall on Saturday and we want a cute boy to come with us so it looks like we're, like, sharing him or something. Was that it? Yeah, that's right. We wanna pretend-date you, basically. Plus, it'll help stop the rumours that've spread that we're, like, y'know... _dating each other?_ I mean, could you IMAGINE that? A girl dating another girl! That's, like, so crazy! It's almost as bad as a boy dating another boy! So, do you, like, wanna come?"

Byleth just walked away. He couldn't think of anything to tell Hilda. (Part of his confusion more than likely stemmed from the homophobic ~~under~~ overtones in the latter half of her speech-paragraph, to be honest.)

Then came Marianne. She's smart, nice once you get to know her (although you sure as hell wouldn't guess that at first) and pleasant-sounding, unlike her best friend Hilda, who's just a bitchy bimbo. She also isn't homophobic, which is a definite plus. She was sitting in the corner of the room she was in, reading some sort of comic book about cute schoolgirls with big eyes and colourful, improbable hairstyles that turn into superheroines and beat up monsters. Which, of course, means she was reading a magical girl manga. Byleth sat down beside her. "Hey," he said.

Marianne edged away from him slightly, hiding her manga. "What do _you_ want?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to say hello."

"Go away. I'm reading this. Hanako's about to tell Kotaro that she's secretly the Princess Hana he's fallen in love with. I can't believe he doesn't know that already, though. They look EXACTLY alike physically. All that really changes is her outfit."

"Okay. goodbye. I'll leave you alone to read... whatever it is you're reading."

"It's called Mahou Hime."

"Alright. Whatever."

Finally, Byleth only had one regular student to confront: Leonie the DILF hunter. She's absolutely OBSESSED with his father Jeralt to the point where she writes creepy stories in her diary about marrying him and (in her own words) "giving Byleth-sensei all the imoutos and otoutos he'd ever want". (Also, have I mentioned that she's also a huge weeb? Because she is. Even more so than Lysithea, who can somehow pronounce kaomojis.) It's practically her entire personality. Like, imagine that. Someone who's entire reason for existence is to get in their teacher's parent's pants. "...Hey-" he began to say before he was RUDELY interrupted by that overly horny daughter of a bitch.

"KONNICHIWA, BYLETH-SENSEI! TELL JERALT-SENPAI I'M KAWAII NEXT TIME YOU SEE HIM, PLEASE!"

"...okay????? I will??????" (This is a lie. He is lying. He would never do that.)

"ARIGATO!!! YOU'RE THE BEST :3"

"Keep telling yourself that, Leonie." And with that, he walked away from the girl and into class, ready to teach these ungrateful bastards.


End file.
